Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Terrorist Toothpaste, or We're Governed by Morons

Every day, this country becomes more and more like something out of The Onion. I know it's a cliché to say you can't make this shit up, but the fact is you can't make this shit up.

Now, according to our security overlords, toothpaste is a threat. Yep, you heard that right: toothpaste.
The Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning to U.S. and some foreign airlines traveling to Russia for the Olympic Games to be on the lookout for toothpaste containers, which some intelligence indicates may actually hold ingredients that could be used to construct a bomb aboard a plane, a senior U.S. official told ABC News. 
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

To the credit of Americans -- some of them, anyway -- the majority of comments at this insuperably ridiculous, inane story are ridiculing it. But fair warning -- there are still millions of people out there who are taking it seriously. I know; I've talked to some of them.

Oh, and lest I forget, details about the Terroristy Toothpaste Threat are, of course, SSI:
The official did not provide further details about the warning or the intelligence that prompted it, but an official with the Department of Homeland Security, while declining to discuss the specific warning, said the department "regularly shares relevant information with domestic and international partners, including those associated with international events such as the Sochi Olympics." 
Mais, oui! How could we mere peons ever hope to be privy to the Super Secret Sensitive Information that our overlords guard? But fear not! Those overlords are on the case:
"While we are not aware of a specific threat to the homeland at this time, this routine communication is an important part of our commitment to making sure we meet that priority," the official said. "As always, our security apparatus includes a number of measures, both seen and unseen, and DHS will continue to adjust security measures to fit an ever evolving threat environment."
Was there ever more Orwellian linguistic sewage spilled?

And ah, yes -- "The Homeland." Heimat sicherheit. With a precedent like that, what could go wrong?

After you've gotten over the historical resonance, pay attention to that statement: "While we are not aware of a specific threat to the homeland at this time . . . ." 

In other words: 

"We're just ramping up the fear factor to get you people to go along with whatever bullshit we put out there. And ya know what? You will go along with it. We know you will. You've proved it. You prove it every day. Every time you step into a strip-search scanner and raise your arms in a pose of surrender, like a criminal, you prove it. Every time you allow yourself -- or your children -- to be physically assaulted just to get on a plane, you prove it. We can do anything we want to you -- anything -- as long as we use the trigger words "terror" or "terrorism" -- and you'll go along with it. We like you this way. You're so easy to control."

But hey, why stop at toothpaste? Why not sunscreen? Why not hand lotion? Why not lipstick? I never go out of the house without mine. Clearly, I'm a potential terrorist and my lipstick must be confiscated for the good of the country. After all, Can't Be Too Safe

Lucky for me, I don't fly anymore in/from this country, so the rest of you suckers can get pawed and groped and robbed and have your Terroristy Lipstick and Terroristy Sunscreen and Terroristy Toothpaste taken away from you. 

"We're your overlords and we know what's best for you. Now shut up and move along."