Saturday, April 12, 2014

TSA anticipates matzo transportation spree

The Jewish holiday of Passover is on the way (April 14th-22nd). And rest assured: the crack teams of the TSA are ready for it. Since we all know how respectful the TSA is of people's private belongingsdignity, and integrity, you can count on safe passage for your religious artifacts.
In a crisply worded announcement on its website, the TSA spells out what travelers can (supposedly) expect. In full:
As the Jewish holiday of Passover approaches, TSA anticipates an increase in the volume of individuals traveling. This year, Passover will begin on Monday, April 14, at sundown and will end on April 22, 2014 at nightfall, with heaviest travel occurring the week before, during, and the week following the holiday. Our workforce is aware of the unique items carried by individuals and religious practices individuals may engage in while traveling. This may include reading of religious text or participating in prayer rituals. Observant travelers may be wearing a head covering, prayer shawl, and phylacteries -- in Hebrew, kippah, tallit, and tefillin. Some travelers will be carrying boxes of matzoh, which are consumed as part of the Passover ritual. Matzoh can be machine or handmade and are typically very thin and fragile, and break easily. Passengers traveling with religious items, including handmade matzoh, may request a hand inspection by the TSO of the items at the security checkpoint.
To inquire about screening procedures or provide feedback, call or email the TSA Contact Center at 1-866-289-9673 and
Ah, yes, I can see it now: TSA clerks handling, shaking, rattling, and rolling packages of matzo. Examining the paper wrapper to make sure it's not harboring any nefarious substances, maybe even cracking open a box to take a bite -- though, no, that would be too dangerous. They might be the famous poison matzos! Imagine -- whole teams of criminals flooding the airports, kindly proffering a taste of Terrorist Matzo to unsuspecting TSA agents, killing them all in a coordinated attack!
You can't be too careful these days. Anything for safety. As this person helpfully reminds us, "You're [sic] rights are not threatened because you have to submit to travel regulations and a process that lasts less than 10min, but is designed to prevent you from losing the rest of your life."
Yes! Surrender the matzo! It may prevent you from losing the rest of your life.